This May be a good month.

Having fun and goofing around is the greatest form of rebellion.

How come I see the color grey, everywhere? lmao

'Summat' by the Brits takes the prize.

Sometimes when I'm bored as shit, when time drags like a slug, when five minutes feel like an hour.. I like to that think Father Time is being patient with me, like a father staring silently as I fuck something up waiting for me to realize the error of my ways and self-correct. Time stares at you wasting it when it's aplenty, hoping you would get it, hoping you would know that it's a gift to have life stretch for you.
Before it goes to punish you with a pace so fast you can’t keep up. Now the second hand looks turbocharged, the world spinning faster, the sun bouncing on the horizon. Just to make you regret ever calling it "too much".
Life is always too short.

some elephants in some rooms are better left unaddressed.

ባር-እና-ባስ

Dad what’s the meaning of your name ??
Asked my 8 year old daughter
I said “የመፅናናት ልጅ” with a smirk on my face … the same smirk I saw in my mom and dad’s face when I asked them the meaning of my name.

It was 30 years ago that I asked the meaning of my name, I was coming back from my kindergarten school after being asked by my teacher what the meaning of my name is.

Too casual የሆኑ ቤተሰቦች ነው ያሉኝ። እናቴ የቤት እመቤት አባቴ ጊዜ የሌለው የሂሳብ ሰራተኛ። እቤት ውስጥ ብዙም አይወራም። የመጀመሪያ ልጅ እኔ … ከኔ በታች ደግሞ አራት ሴቶች .. የቤቱ ብቸኛ ወንድ መሆኔ ይሁን የእናት እና አባቴ ጭምትነት እቤት ውስጥ ብዙም ደፍሬ አላወራም። ሴቶቹም እኔን እያዩ አድገው እርስ በእርስ ቢግባቡም ደፍሮ የሚበጠብጥ ግን የለም።

ስለቤተሰቦቼ እስከ 17 አመቴ ድረስ የማውቀው ነገር ከቤት ወደ ስራ ብቻ የሆነ ኑሮ የሚኖረው አባቴ እኛን ከመውለዷም በፊትም የቤት እመቤት የነበረችውን እናቴን እንዴት እንዳገኛት ባላውቅም በሆነ ተአምር ተጋብተው በዝምታ እንደሚኖሩ ነው። እህቶቼ እስኪወለዱ በስሱ ይሳሳቁ ነበር። ቆይቶ ኑሮ ሳቃቸውን አጠፋው መሰል ደበዘዙ። እኔም እነሱን ትቼ ኑሮዬን መኖር ጀመርኩ። በዝምታ … እነሱም እህቶቼ ላይ ማተኮራቸውን ቀጠሉ።

Until …..
until my Godfather came from abroad. I remembered him as a kid when he always comes around and takes me out to have some fun. It’s when he came back that I started to notice the fun in our house stopped shortly after he went abroad. I always thought he would come back sooner as a kid and after years as a grow up he started fading in my memory. 17 years later he came back and that’s when I saw my parents with a smile again …

He was amazed by how I have grown, although he wasn’t here when my sisters were born, he was friendly enough to make them feel like his part of the family within just a week. He brought a bunch of stuff for all of us and my sisters immediately loved him.

After a week he took me out to have some fun … just like he used to when I was a kid. We had lunch and after lunch he took me to a bar. I thought he was testing me when he said let’s go have some drink ……..
“Are u serious?” I asked him with a confused face ……
He said “yeah u are old enough to have some fun” and took me to an old pub and said “this is where your story started” … i was confused. I have never been to a bar before that day and am pretty sure that my parents never been to a bar either.
It didn’t add up to me how on earth my life would possibly started at a bar.

I asked him what he meant and he told me how my parents met casually.. he told it like it’s some kind of story i have heard a million times but wanted to say it for the fun of it …

“Well ur dad and I used to come to this bar everyday, every single day … we had the most fun of our lives at this bar and ur mom used to serve us beers, and some flirty smiles to ur dad of course.
ur dad was too proud to respond to the flirt in front of me, even though I kept telling him that he should shoot his shot with her because she was clearly interested in him.
………
Little did I know that they used to take the same bus back home. Even though he always say he don’t want a woman in his life, I started to notice that he always wait for her shift to be over so he will be able to take the same bus back home with her. Yes it took him a lot of effort to finally admit that he is in love with her but they finally started dating after a year of flirty smile at a bar and looking at each other at a bus. Thats why I used to call them the ባር-እና-ባስ couples” said my Godfather with a smile in his face … That’s when it hit me … I remembered that smirky faces …. The same face my parents had when I asked them the meaning of my name …

ባር-እና-ባስ …. ባር-እና-ባስ

ባርእናባስ …. በርናባስ …

እኔን ብሎ የመፅናናት ልጅ …

“እማዬ በርናባስ ማለት የመፅናናት ልጅ ነው” አለች ልጄ ወደ እናቷ እየሮጠች። my wife passed that same smirky smile to me while kissing our daughter.

Telegram making the doubletap the love reaction, የምን መስተፋቅር ነው?

Every other living creature know what they're doing, why they're here. They understand they're merely vessels for what is ancient and enduring. They continue their lineage, hopefully have the offspring survive to adulthood, then die. Why are we so special.

TIL, that in Rwanda (and so many other countries apparently), if a holiday falls on the weekend, the day off would be transfered onto Monday. What heaven is this??

Can't be rude to AI Chats, man. The vibe would transfer onto conversations with people.

The processing power it takes to process Please and Thank you's is a price worth paying to hold the line of social decorum.

Coming to terms with my mediocrity.

Form a lot of accumulated pieces of information and half assed pep talks from older people in my youth I had the belief that I was some sort of wizkid.

-Apparently that was not true.


As I stand right now I have come to realize that most of the pain that was caused in my life came from my inability to accept that I was just like everyone else around me.

For the longest time my mind was preoccupied with trying to find the thing that made me different, after all I believed I was. Was it my great American accent? My witty snide remarks at the highschool teacher or perhaps the way I thought and looked at things deeply...

Well, as it turns out none of those things mean shit. And I am just another guy who is apparently slightly below average and my life is a testimony of that fact.

I thought the world owned me something cause I felt different, cause maybe I read enough esoteric books or had enough interesting hobbies. But alas none of those mean anything and while I was busy waiting for the world to serve itself to me on a silver platter, I just ended up being some know it all loser who is unemployed and can't get a date on tinder to save his life.

This may seem like it's bad news but on the contrary. Now I can finally begin to not take myself so seriously and consider myself like everyone else and be ok with just being average. For the longest time this truth loomed over my thick skull trying to reveal itself to me but I was too weak to see it. How could it be? It can't.... I can't just be a fucking nobody....could I?

- I Was.

I was delusional enough to think it was the world that was mistaken and not me. When I tried and failed ...I blame others around me and didn't try again cause after all I was too good for it. When anyone walked into the room I immediately think myself above them ...just cause.

All of these were things that caused me the most pain. And now I am glad to say that I can see them in me.

As the truth of my mediocrity slowly made its way through me my mind panicked. And I gave up on so many things cause I rebelled. I rebelled against the thing I was scared of the most...... Just being average. And so my mind somehow began to punish itself by trying to be the absolute worst at everything. I became a monster that would rather be an absolute imbecile rather than be average on his best day. Cause now I can maybe convince myself that I was doing it on purpose, maybe then people would think....."o if only he tried he could be better than all of us."

- little did they know... When I did try I was equal to all of them and I hated that.

I didn't want to fail, I didn't want people to see that I had the same problems they did. I didn't want me to know that what scared others scared me. I would rather be thought of having the potential to be better than than be equal to.

And due to this fact I self sabotaged myself to oblivion. Did I really have to put in the same amount of work as other people now? I'm I just going to be some John Doe? That guy that relatives see only once a year during family gatherings that always wears the same leather jacket and always gets an unremarkable gift ...like a t-shirt of a photo frame? Is that the best I can hope to be?

-Apparently so.

This may be my biggest dillusion in life but it's also the dillusion of everyone else around us. Especially of the world we live in now. We are told to stand out, to be better and do better. We are told to be unique but at what cost? As an adult I know the sacrifices that the hero makes. I know how truly painful it is to be "the choose one". And I'm brave enough to say I respect those people and if it was me I would have not prevailed in anything. I'm the side character that was always scared and that only has his semi-courageous moment once the real hero is killed in cold blood and I feel the pain of the death of a real hero and use all the anger I have to override all the fear I have to once for my life have a tiny moment of bravery.

I'm not the lowly servant that gets picked by the powers that be once he comes to manhood to lead his people to triamph and glory... I'm the mean land owner that looks down on him and have always hated him for his righteousness and meekness.

I have lived long enough convincing myself I was Edmond Dantes, when in fact I was Fernand Mondego. And would have hated Edmond more than Fernand ever did.

But are there really good and evil people in the world? Is it really that black and white ? What is it that I really wanted from everything ?

-I guess in the end... It was just to be noticed.

But what can I hope for now? What is to become of me?

-I can be brave. Brave enough to try and try again and fail. Brave enough to struggle like the average man, brave enough to live a sometimes stagnating life and brave enough to feel ashamed one day when I meet my rich and successful high school friends knowing they are doing better than me in life.

My people into Amazigh/Berber music will find this sound very familiar. Beautiful work!

Laeke | ላዕከ - Deg Wutn | ደግ ውጥን ft. Kassmasse | ካሥማሠ