Я

and also jealousy. I feel jealous about a lot of things. I see a something good, successful or enjoyable and I want it to be mine. I just want things. I want to have something cool in my possession, not necessarily the coolest thing there is, but a cool something for sure. I don’t enjoy things because I’m jealous. Things that I already own aren’t bringing me as much joy as I think things that I don’t own can. I have nothing besides a computer, a 3x4 room, a mattress and a vinyl record player. There are no small things in my life that can be enjoyed. I’m surrounded by experiences, things, media, art that reminds me of how insignificant and pathetic I am as a person, how much of a failed individual I am, how much control my illnesses and conditions have over me, how stupid and overly rational (or irrational) my perception of reality is. Why can other people be happy and I can’t? I’m jealous as shit and I know that it’s a manifestation of a big void in my soul, that I crave to fill with something, yet fail to do so, because there is something keeping me away from it. It’s stupid to try to blame others for my own flaws, and it’s even stupider to acknowledge that fact and cry into a telegram channel with 92 subscribers. It’s been 3 days since I got my paycheck and I already want to spend it all on getting drunk again.

steal this fit